"Where's Your Heart?"
It was the middle of November 2005, and work at the Post Office was becoming more difficult as we approached the Christmas Season. Coupled with poor planning on the part of Management we were working 10 and 11 hour days. I always found a measure of peace at these times by turning to my Art and drawing my yearly Christmas Card, but because of my long hours at work I had neither the time nor the energy to accomplish this.
My immediate Supervisor was a bit of a Scrooge. She would use valuable time to write us up for miner things, and threaten us with dismissal if we didn't do exactly what she wanted. She would constantly belittle us, and at the same time tell us to work harder. At times like these I could see an evil working through her. Being a Spiritual person myself, that evil seemed to seek me out and want me dead. Even my fellow workers would say, "She doesn't like any of us, but she really doesn't like you." I knew it was a spiritual battle and after awhile it started to affect my health and my sanity. I felt my spiritual strength start to slip and asked friends to pray for me.
One night after playing music for Sunday Mass, I spoke with a friend. I shared with him some of my current concerns, and he said that he too was feeling evil working overtime at his work place, and we promised to pray for each other. I was the last one to leave church so I turned out the lights. I stood for a moment in the candle-lit darkness. I felt a peace I hadn't felt for awhile and decided to spend some time in this 'holy stillness'. I found a quiet pew off to the side and allowed my body to relax. My mind continued to battle seeking answers to my current problem with little success. I started to believe that it was all my fault and deserved this punishment. Then I heard a voice inside say,
"Where's your heart? God looks to the heart to see true intent."
I saw that amidst all my indecision was a heart that was like a sharp edged laser beam that wanted only one thing; to do God’s Will in this matter. I let all the other voices fall away as I realized that the intent of my heart was good.
At that moment the darkness lifted and a peace came over me. I felt my creativity return, and felt like singing. So I took out my guitar and moved to a pew in front of the altar. I sang the only songs I could sing in the dark; the ones I had written myself. I found that one song, called "Do Whatever He Asks,” a prayer to Mary that I had written during one of the lowest times of my life, was full of hope and ministered to me as if it was just written, instead of nearly twenty years before.
When I left the church that night, a joy and peace went with me. It even extended into my workplace for the next few days, and my supervisor, who normally stood behind me with arms folded, cut wide circles around my letter case, seemingly prevented by some unseen hand from disturbing my peace.
There was a power in this experience; a power I need to rely on whenever I find myself in similar situations, when darkness tries to split my mind and overwhelm me. I need to learn how to quiet all those other voices and listen to that One True Voice that I heard in the deepest part of me that night in the Church. The Voice that said:
“Where’s Your Heart?”